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conjunctivis of the soul || by tracey

over a week ago i acquired “sore eyes”, or conjunctivis.

this is the first time i ever had this. and let me tell you, it ain’t pretty. Upload from August 08, 2011

it began with my eyes feeling a little sore..so i rubbed them, naturally. then my sisterinlaw, charity, took one look at me when i was at Gentle Hands last tuesday and said, “oh, you have sore eyes..ya it’s going around here.”

fantastic. not. so off to mercury drug, the local drugstore chain, i went to fetch some antibacterial, anti-inflammatory drops. bloody expensive let me tell you. so i began drops.

and my eyes slowly started getting worse. nice-not. and i developed an inflamed node in my face near my ear. nice - not. and my eyes burned like a bugger. nice - not. and they “gooped”. super nice. NOT.

by friday they had not gotten better with the said drops. so i went on antibiotics as well. still nothing. so on sunday, my motherinlaw suggested an medicated ointment. at this point, i was up for trying anything.

you see, i couldn’t see anything, really. my eyes were scratchy. they ached…oh did they ache. i had to close them cuz leaving them open was too painful. and they burned. snap, did they burn. so what does one do when this is all  happening? one doesn’t work on the computer and answer emails that continue to pile up. nor does one work on weddings and sessions that need to be edited and out to clients either. nor does one use the time to even do up blog posts for scheduling. no cuz sitting at a computer with your eyes OPEN is far too painful.

and when you look out, everything is blurry…only if you look a certain way does the blurr fade and there are glimpses of clarity. really annoying actually. :)

so one sits. lays. “be’s” with their eyes closed.

i know, party time, right??

after a few days in, i ACTUALLY had the nerve to ask god, “so…what is it that i can learn from this really shatty situation??”

and so began the revelations….

how often do we rely on our sight for so much of what we do. as a photographer, my sight is imparative. i have thought many times about “what if i became blind?!” scenario. the thought haunts me…the reason i wont get laser eye surgery - the POSSIBILITY of it NOT working and leaving me without my sight.

and even in day to day life..its really hard to wash dishes or make a sandwich when your sight is really blurry and fuzzy. or trying to read…good luck with that.

back to the “so one sits..lays..be’s.

i have reflected much the last few days on  how my soul relys on what it can see as to where my belief lies. say again? if i can SEE that god is blessing and providing and showing me the way i should go, then i believe.

i mean isn’t the saying something like, “seeing is believing”?

but take away the sight…do i still believe god is my provider and that he is gonna show me what i am to do, when i can’t see it laid out in front? hmmmmmmm… THAT is sometimes another story.

so as i laid in blurry silence i noticed/discovered something. i dont need to SEE things to believe that god is for me..that he will make a way..that he will provide..that he will show me what i am to do…

no…i have to LISTEN. to his voice. the still small voice that so often i know that i sometimes dismiss for “oh that’s silly, or insecurity, or this or that”. sometimes that voice is the very thing that will solidify our faith.

here i am, a week into these “sore eyes”…and the ointment is helping. i am coupling it with the drops. still on the antibiotics. they are starting to feel better. not healed, by any means, but like there is hope they will be better. :)

and even though i still don’t know where the means will come from, or what i am supposed to be REALLY doing, or how i am supposed to do it…i do know that i dont need to SEE it with my eyes - although it’d be really nice!!- ..i need to believe in what i am HEARING resonate in my soul.

xotracey

1 comment

mama bear
honey you are such an inspiration,and my the Lord bless you beyond belief,i love you so much

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